32. Cleveland Browns – I don’t typically believe in curses, but if any sports team in the world is cursed, it’s Cleveland.
31. San Diego Chargers – The Chargers continuously mind f**k me with the way they lose games. It is absolutely astonishing.
30. Miami Dolphins – Laremy Tunsil slipped in the shower and hurt his ankle. That’s the best summary of the Dolphins you’re gonna find.
29. LA Rams – The Rams are right on track to finish with that perfect Jeff Fisher 8-8 record.
28. San Francisco 49ers – Gabbert is garbage, and Chip Kelly is about to hit “Screw it” mode by putting Kaepernick in.
27. New York Jets – Just Endure The Suffering.
26. Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota & Demarco Murray led their team to a very sound defeat of… Well… Miami… But it was still impressive for a pretty bland Tennessee team!
25. Chicago Bears – It’s a tough time in your life when you’re happy that your QB is Brian Hoyer.
24. Detroit Lions – The Lions had this win gifted to them by Ryan Mathews, then a rookie QB made a rookie QB mistake. This was a painful game to watch… but they still won.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay is not a “good” team, but they have talent that masks a lot of the “bad”.
22. New Orleans Saints – Bye
21. Indianapolis Colts – 5 field goals and the Colts barely escaped Chicago Brian Hoyer Bears. Adam Vinatieri is still one of the best.
20. Baltimore Ravens – This game got Marc Trestman (offensive coordinator) fired. It seems like the Ravens can’t get out of their own way.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars – Bye
18. Carolina Panthers – Just… bad. Until Cam Newton is back, this is a mediocre team at best. They’re limping through their games.
17. Houston Texans – There was a lot of hype around this Texans offense… That hype is quickly fading. Osweiler is mediocre at best, and they haven’t gotten Hopkins the ball nearly enough. The AFC South is, luckily for them, a dumpster fire. It could be worse.
16. New York Giants – They almost came back, but unfortunately for the Giants, Eli Manning just couldn’t get it done against an improved Green Bay defense. They’re now 4th in a tight race for the NFC East.
15. Washington Redskins – Kirk Cousins continue to find ways to not lose.
14. Philadelphia Eagles – They gift wrapped that win for the Lions, and lost their lead in the NFC East.
13. Oakland Raiders – The Raiders operate in this weird vacuum of chaos. The 4 wins they’ve notched (it’s incredible that I just wrote that) have been within 3 points, 7 points, 1 point, and 3 points… but the only team they’ve lost to is very good. The Raiders aren’t a fluke.
12. Buffalo Bills –
Every time the Bills win, I hope I can find a different gif of one of the Ryan brothers yelling “F%^$ YEAH!” The Bills look much better, mainly due to LeSean McCoy playing like a man possessed.
11. Arizona Cardinals – Please for the love of GOD, get healthy Carson Palmer. Do you know how hard it is to overthrow Larry Fitzgerald? He has the wingspan of a pterodactyl yet somehow Drew Stanton manages to soar it 5 feet out of his reach. They got their win, and maybe Arians is back on track.
10. Kansas City Chiefs – Bye
9. Cincinnati Bengals – When Brandon LaFell is your primary target, you’ll typically lose. They lost Jeremy Hill for an undisclosed amount of time as well, who practiced through an injury then re-aggravated it during the game.
8. Dallas Cowboys – Cannot even imagine the kind of “Eyes Wide Shut” celebration party Jerry Jones & Chris Christie are having over Dak Prescott. *shivers*
7. Green Bay Packers – Two picks, one that was batted and one that was ripped from someone’s arms (that should not have counted). This game could, and should have, had more points. On both sides.
6. Seattle Seahawks – Bye
5. Denver Broncos – Ahhh the Broncos are not infallible after all, huh? If defenses continue to run on them the way Atlanta did, I doubt we see the Broncos repeat like everyone thought they could.
4. Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons took down the undefeated Broncos, and needless to say we should probably stop doubting them.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers – The NFL is better when there’s crazy celebrations.
2. Minnesota Vikings – Another week, another win.
1. New England Patriots – Brady’s back. Gronk looks healthy. Marty B is now a weapon.